Some video episodes from Youtube of “Epic rap battles of history” which involve historical personages in imaginary rap battles have been posted on SN recently which set me wondering what one involving Osho and Krishnamurti might be like. (FRANK)
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY
OSHO vs KRISHNAMURTI
My people call me Osho cos I`m master of my flow
I don`t have an ego so surrender to my mojo.
You read cheap detective novels and call yourself a world teacher
But I`m the Master of Masters and I groove to Freddie Nietzsche.
I`m like an orchestra compared to your solo flute
And when it comes to awakening- I devised the fastest route.
Your tin whistle`s ineffectual and your followers too intellectual
Your diction is impeccable but you need to get more psychosexual.
It`s like you`re riding on your head in a three-wheeled bullock cart
And I`m flying on a jumbo jet going straight to the heart.
I was the main man of a posse who was all dressed in red
You just had a bunch of straights who got stuck in their head.
While all your dudes were thinking about choiceless choice
I was living it large and cruising in my Rolls Royce.
When I went on a drive-by, I taught my disciples some respect
Those brothers didn`t diss me, they were perfectly correct.
My bitches were so juicy, they were the best class of floozies
And the guys didn`t take no shit cos they were packing Uzis.
Your whole life was a reaction from being owned by Annie Besant
No one pushes me around bro`, cos I`m a hierophant.
You Krishnamurtis became enlightened cos the theosophists said you should
I became enlightened cos I`m Bhagdaddy of the buddha `hood.
Sir, I`m J. Krishnamurti, not that UG clone
I`m the only one that can give you freedom from the known.
Yes it`s true I wear a suit and my lectures are bone dry
But my rhymes are commentaries on living and I think they`re pretty fly.
Well,Mr Osho, I have heard all about your show
But your religionless religion sounds more like sex and drugs to go.
You thought it was something new hanging out and getting flirty
But `ve I been doin the rounds since way before 1930.
I spent my time with scientists, scholars and A-listers
But you were hanging with no-hopers and failed therapistas.
You might have had it going on in back in the 40s and 50s
But I`m a rascal saint so I needed a gang of grifters
Your philosophy sounded deader than an ex-dodo
I needed a scene that had some extra mojo
You said you weren`t a guru and there`s nothing one can do
but I got `em goin with some loved-up voodoo.
Your disciples had less vision than Mr Magoo
Mine were in the flow like a hollow bamboo
Singing,dancing and shouting with a big “Yahoo!”
You were busy dissing sex and sayin it wasn`t cool
All the time you were bangin Mrs Rajgopal and taking her hubby for a fool
Me,I was on prime time TV talkin` `bout my endless lovers
While you were keepin your sexytime strictly undercover.
I cut loose from all that shit and proclaimed the new man
You act so uptight like you need an extra dose of bran
Yes sir, you had those hippy dudes with their goofy smiles
And those sexed-up braless chicks dancing in the aisles.
But do you think I would give respect to the leader of a sect
Whose enlightenment got wrecked cos he didn`t give a feck?
You boasted about your satoris but your sartorials needed more meditation
Your outfits looked like something from the Star Trek Federation.
I got my shirts from Savile Row because I liked to show a bit of class
But your 80s shoulder pads looked like something out of “Dallas”.
I spoke like a gentleman and watched my Ps and Qs,
You told dirty jokes and cleared your throat with “Fuck you”s
When you led your chosen people out into the desert
That`s when I knew “This guy`s really lost it”.
Moses got his tablets straight from his god
But you got them on prescription from your own doc.
And your secretary -you thought you could control her
but she turned out to be a bharati bunny boiler
You tried to be the boss but even you couldn`t foil her
and your religionless religion ended in the hands of lawyers.
I retained my noblesse, remained egoless and unfazed by success, lived at the right address and stayed in the West
But you digressed and left a huge mess, puffin on the gas and talking about sex and following the sacred “yes” down the road of excess
And I must confess,when you started wearing the tea-pot head-dress I clearly got the message: nothing fails like success.
You said I lost my enlightenment but you didn`t have a clue
I was glad I could stop pretending unlike poor old you
I don`t expect you to understand that it was all a device
Just like when I sent my posse to your gigs to knock you from your heights
You lost your cool composure like a red rag to a bull
While I just sat back and laughed till I`d had a bellyful.
You said that truth is a pathless land but you just talked and talked it
I started my own religion and then went out and walked it.
You railed against the evil of organisations and religions
But I got my dudes to go right out and live `em.
So, listen up to my rhythm and get the wisdom of my mission:
You`ve got to get into it to get out of it, if you follow my vision.
And that`s why I busted their egos with a taste of fascism.
Now they`re completely free of all that mental prison
And just floating thru the empty sky without the help of -isms.
So now, Mr K, just get out of my watercourse way
Your rhymes are giving me a headache and I`ve had enough for today.
Who won? You decide!