by Krishna Prem
I am an old friend of death. My birth mother left her body when I was one year old, and left me with my 15-year-old sister-mother, who then left her body, and left me with Osho, who also left His body. Death does not surprise me. Death has a look. Osho had that look. What surprises me is living. I can handle death, but I am still mangled by life.
Aloneness rocks my world.
I am not “righting” about the word “aloneness” or even aloneness’s twin brother loneliness. Like most old sannyasins, I can quote Osho from both sides now. I am enlightened…most of the time. The only reason I am not leading satsangs at Starbucks today is because when aloneness speaks to me I shake from my core and I can’t drink coffee without spilling my guts out.
Shit, it’s easy for Osho to say “Never born, Never died”… but where does that leave me while I am here?
Many of my female friends filled up their space of aloneness when Osho left His body by getting pregnant. I know several kids with the name India, even an Osho. Many of my male friends went back into the marketplace. Think about it: What do you fill yourself up with when you feel emptiness: Food, sex, drugs, another living Master? We are born alone, we die alone, and in the middle we stuff ourselves. At least I do. I filled myself in a relationship with a woman.
And for 17 years I had a great partner who saved me from being alone. Her name is Jwala. “Jwala” means fire. We had an open relationship, and she left me for a younger version of me. I experienced death one more time. I know what you are thinking: Open relationships don’t work. But how many closed marriages work for 17 years?
At the very same time my beloved niece Risa got big-time cancer. Risa thinks of me as her brother, since when she was born I had already been adopted by her mother, who was actually my sister.
Jwala leaving me was like an espresso, and Risa getting the big C was like adding two lumps of sugar – the combination was lethal. I fell apart. My body got old in a moment, my head felt chopped off, my heart burst, and I felt like I got kicked in the belly. I remember Osho once saying in discourse something like: First I cut off your head, then I rip out your heart, and then I kick you in the belly, and finally you remember who you are… Please don’t quote me on this, as it may not be Osho’s exact words, but now that I am having this experience I am pretty sure I know what He means.
I was alone again. In reality, I was lonely. All that I loved was in the past. Even on a rainy day, I wore sunglasses. The smile on my face was created by the fear that you would not love me if you knew my pain. I sang to myself, paraphrasing Janis Joplin, “Aloneness is just another word for nothing left to lose.”
Sixty-eight years on this planet, 39 years with Osho, 17 years with Jwala… I know what Osho means when He asks his infamous question, “Sannyas or suicide?”
But before you write me off as a poor excuse for a human being, think again. I popped out the other side, I got it! I am home alone naturally.
How did I do it? I really can’t explain myself, at least not in a way that would make sense. Sometimes life just happens.
I think it had something to do with me finally accepting that I am alone. That Osho, my family, Jwala, were never me in the first or last place…just dramas. Drama for me is when I am so involved in my own story that I think it’s true. I lose my sense of self. And the cosmic joke is when I begin to laugh at my own drama.
I always felt that Osho was hinting that it was a great idea for Krishna Prem to have his head on his shoulders and a bad idea when Krishna Prem has his head on Osho’s shoulder. Simply said, I became the center of my cyclone.
Jwala and I are still best friends. When we lie together and cry, I always peek out and whisper in her ear, “I don’t want us back.” Right now is the right time for me to accept my aloneness.
Love is,
KP
“Whenever you feel death close by, go into it through the door of love, through the door of meditation, through the door of a man dying. And if some day you are dying — and the day is going to come one day — receive it in joy, benediction. And if you can receive death in joy and benediction, you will attain to the greatest peak, because death is the crescendo of life. Hidden in it is the greatest orgasm, because hidden in it is the greatest freedom.” Osho
DETAILS OF A JUNE WORKSHOP IN LONDON, WITH KP, HERE
http://www.loveosho.co.uk/#!special-guest/c92z
I had and have a toast on you, Sannyasnews, team, this late Saturday afternoon, when seeing what´s your offer, your sharing AND your offer.
A very good wine.
You should have seen me beaming here when reading and then listening to the Amsterdam interview. Then later I remembered the ´Zennis’ champion in the Ashram market-place.
You Londoners are very fortunate to be able to meet yourself in such a presence and vice-versa.
Why I am so enchanted? Well, it´s more a kind of echo-lot and the bliss to meet there and here a person who is very integrated and essentially far beyond rating Masters or rating people on their pilgrimage from here to here.
“Wow”, said the beautiful interviewer/moderator of the Dutch radio station, “you find such beautiful words”. And listening to the whole interview, like reading the text of the thread issue, then was like experiencing a dance of two Beings, and me dancing in joy here too (apparently sitting before a computer).
There is no time, when experiencing such, and also there are no co-ordinates of a ´space´.
You see, friends, I am drunk from a very good wine. Grateful.
And may be you have a good sip of that too. Surely, I guess.
Thank you for THIS.
Madhu
KP’s pot-pouri of modern-day spiritual ideology leaves much room for comment. Bottom line: whatever rocks your boat. And in this case it does not particularly rock mine. Such is life in its myriad expressions of individuality.
Instead of getting into the whole article I feel inclined to focus on one subject and thus hopefully avoid boring the reader.
KP says, “And for 17 years I had a great partner who saved me from being alone. Her name is Jwala. ‘Jwala’ means fire. We had an open relationship, and she left me for a younger version of me. I experienced death one more time. I know what you are thinking: Open relationships don’t work. But how many closed marriages work for 17 years?”
Well, I doubt KP knows what I am thinking at this particular juncture. Whether or not open realtionships work is not the question, but rather why the need for such an arrangement arises in the first place. Been there, done that and I know a number of couples that played an open hand and ultimately lost the game, due mainly to powerful conflicting emotions. Very rare to meet a couple who stay together after a prolonged bout of sexual couplings with multiple partners.
I’ve heard it said that humans are not monogamous by nature. I am not so sure about that. It depends on the individual. Most women are more than enough for one man on many levels, including sexual. It is therefore that I conclude that the need for an open relationship arises because either one or both people in the relationship are not entirely satisfied on some level or another, and hence they seek what they feel they need elsewhere.
If the couple share an age gap of over say 15 years the likelyhood of seeking sexual experiences outside the relationship increases for the younger person, which is natural and easy to understand.
KP begins by saying, “And for 17 years I had a great partner who saved me from being alone.” With an attitude like that it is hardly surprising that they eventually split up. Healthy lasting relationships are often built on the foundation of the two people involved being perfectly at home with their aloneness. All that “I need you, darling” sentimental shite went out with Humphrey Bogart watching an aeroplane take off from Casablanca airport. Needy people do not make good partners, neither do people who believe they can be saved from being alone by entering a relationship. I am sure KP knows better.
One strange thing that comes up for me in my long-term realtionship is that the further up the path we move together the more I realize my ultimate aloneness and the need to embrace it. No matter how close you are with another you are still alone, which is part of the beauty. It will remain so until the boundries imposed by ego disolve. It happens. You get glimpses in good sex, good dance, a good meditation session and hey, let’s be honest, a good psychedelic trip. So that is the good news. One day the walls that seperate us will one day crumble and fall forever. Amen.
KP concludes by posing the question, “But how many closed marriages work for 17 years?”
To answer a question of this nature a clearer definition of what “closed” represents would help. If one is closed to the constant mirroring that takes place in a long term intimate relationship it will not work. If one is closed to the reflection of the aging process seen in the other’s eyes it will not work. If one is closed to the possible amalgamation of souls that takes place with the power of enduring love it will not work. I think you get the picture.
“Many of my female friends filled up their space of aloneness when Osho left His body by getting pregnant. I know several kids with the name India, even an Osho. Many of my male friends went back into the marketplace. Think about it: What do you fill yourself up with when you feel emptiness: Food, sex, drugs, another living Master? We are born alone, we die alone, and in the middle we stuff ourselves. At least I do. I filled myself in a relationship with a woman.”
I find this something of an unexpectedly odd comment. No reason to doubt its veracity, but if Osho’s death precipitated such apparent crisis in these people, then to me it suggests something wasn’t ‘right’ in what they were up to as ‘disciples’. For one thing, perhaps an over-dependence on the community, on a sort of self-contained ‘club’, a lifestyle comfortingly separate from the outside world?
“Many of my male friends went back into the marketplace” – well, what’s so terrible about that? Might well have been the best thing that could have happened to them, testing whatever they thought they’d gained from Sannyas and Osho in the often harsh mirror of the world. And perhaps about time too, seeing as they must have been around the age of 40 or so.
How come they had little or no idea how to cope with the feeling of “emptiness” after the death of the master? What use had been all that proximity to the master, all those discourses, all that meditation, all those therapy groups, all that ‘community’?
And why this “emptiness” anyway? Isn’t the idea that when the master dies he ‘goes inside you’, like anyone, where there’s real love?
I guess there’s nothing like the reality of death to wake us up. And those people sure must have needed waking up from what sounds like ‘California Dreamin’….
(P.S: Just as I need waking up, btw – before anyone jumps down my throat).
SD, it’s quite unbelievable for me, this P.S. statement of yours. Why should you be worried no one here is capable of analysing you?
Wonder what your self-analysis is or would be; would be interesting to know if you can be as sincere with yourself too.
Kavita, I attempt to be ruthlessly truthful with myself. You know, like a fully paid-up, 100%, full-on, totally committed, do-or-die, struggling-to-be-self-aware little ‘seeker’ is supposed to be.
If that P.S. isn’t “sincere” enough for you, then humble apologies, madame, I promise I’ll try to do better next time. Most sincerely.
SD, in any case I didn’t say you are not sincere, it’s just that even psychological analyst can be as vulnerable as anyone else.
No, really? My God, one learns something new every day (every moment, even!) in this game…
Excuse me, I really must call my therapist….
Now I am unlearning!
Btw, you should, asap!
What does ‘unlearning’ mean to you, Kavita? It’s one of those terms commonly bandied around in certain circles, sounds rather impressive – but exactly what, practically speaking, does it entail, in terms of your daily life? Can you give specific examples, please?
And what do you imagine I need to ‘unlearn’?
Btw, “you should, asap” was for calling your therapist.
First, let me tell myself what learning is, SD: It is this/that which I come to know in this/that moment; and unlearning is this/that which is unperceivable in that/this moment.
“And what do you imagine I need to ‘unlearn’?” I don’t know what you should unlearn/learn, that only one can know oneself, I guess.
Fair enough on ‘learning’, Kavita, but “unlearning is this/that which is unperceivable in that/this moment” sounds inadequate to me.
You say you are busy ‘unlearning’, and I asked you to provide practical examples in your daily life of this term one comes across in ‘psycho-spiritual’ circles. But your definition is more the stuff of a philosophical mind-fuck, frankly. Unless, of course, you’re on the look-out for naked emperors (you know, the ones wearing no clothes?!).
So, what exactly are you up to (or think you’re up to)?
SD, I am up to nothing & that’s exactly where I want to be. I didn’t say I am busy and I am not interested in being busy according to your or anyone’s standards.
And about giving examples, I am not good at giving them.
I am sorry for not being up to your/anyone’s mark, but that’s how it is, for real, I guess, as I am not good at making any promises or anything for that matter.
Ok, Kavita, no problem.
And SD, if I haven’t responded to your other queries it’s because I can’t relate to them.
Good post, Lokesh. Shows careful thought.
It’s quite clear from Lokesh’s expression that one’s love story is the best love story!
In any case, I can relate a tad bit more with KP’s story.
Kavita, the question is not to do with what is better, because it is not a competition, but rather what suits you. Different strokes, as the old saying goes.
Exactly my point too, Lokesh!
Cool.
You took your time to comment, Lokesh, and did very well.
Your comment is ´cool´, and cool the way I understand it (taking possible ´hype’ out of stuff).
Strangely enough, however, the long Amsterdam interview with Krisha Prem reminded me in a way of some of your ways to respond (as far as I was able to experience it), but seemed to me more human and less (Scottish) stern.
Otherwise, I guess by nowadays you will represent a majority of humans having been or being associated with Osho the last decades.
For me, it has been and still is sometimes painful how and to what extent life in small families has been reinstalled with all the barriers for others of our ´grannies’ – and their kind of judging moralisms too.
Amazing how the wheel turned round.
For me – as far as I got a glimpse of your everyday life on Ibiza – there is no doubt about it that you have your authority about these aspects you mentioned in particular.
But you don´t live (if you geo address is right) in what I would call average circumstances.
For me, the loss of friends, disappearing into all kind of habits of ´small family-stuff´, and having boundaries and sometimes walls too, has been difficult and sometimes is painful to face.
And maybe – in particular – because of many spoken or lingering, unspoken comments: “You (meaning me) simply didn´t get it…”
Same in money-making attitudes…
Otherwise, when I read you I am reminded of contemporary executed waves of a ´family constellation upgrade´ and its very fruits. (If the latter would not be that christian, I would better get along with that).
And the run to have a christian or at least to have a legal marriage as a document for the so-called world at large has been pretty eager here in Bavaria or elsewhere, and some of these former friends who then cancelled friendship, I couldn´t recognize and I never meant or mean a kind of (´Sannyas´) freak show here.
It´s what it is. Wheels turning, generations turning.
Good that you posted ´yours, Lokesh,
sounds surrounding-wise very familiar to me;
to the here in Germany average constellation circus. And its rules.
Yet yours – with special Ibiza-Luxus flavour…
(did you listen to the interview?). And I am quite sure, I presume, you might know Krishna Prem personally, don’t you?
My fantasy is that you might really enjoy friendship with one another….
Madhu
Yes, Madhu, KP and I are old friends, who rarely see each other. KP was very influential in steering me towards Poona in late 73. He was a great ambassador for Osho, and still is, I suppose, although I feel the representation he gives of Osho requires much sweeping under the carpet.
That said, before Maitreya died I asked him how he viewed Osho in retrospect and he replied, “I think it is good to remember all the good things about him.” He was. in my opinion, right.
Perhaps not for you, Lokesh, but for others who might be confused:
There were two KP’s in Pune 1. The most famous one was Canadian (born Jack Allenbach), worked in the press office, subsequently wrote a book called ‘Osho, India and Me’. Seemed to have quite direct access to Osho sometimes, and was in the original Kailash commune (prior to Pune 1).
The other was American (born Michael Mogul). Later wrote a book called, ‘Gee, You Are You’. He is the author of this piece above, but was certainly less well known in the seventies.
I recall another Krishna Prem from the early days, who I think might also have been on the ‘Kailash trip’. He was quite tall, slim, very committed, possibly South African or even Canadian (but without the accent). He went to Pune (or maybe just Bombay, or both), before being called up for national service.
Interesting thing is, the last I heard of him was that he’d found his army experience had put Sannyas – or rather, his personal version of Sannyas – in a completely different perspective, apparently saying that being in the army had been of far greater benefit to him.
I recall Pradeep, an English sannyasin who lived near me in those days (who died just a few years ago) chuckling and saying that it sounded like KP had “grown up at last!”
Could this KP possibly be ‘Jack Allenbach’?
Naw, SD, this is our very own cuddly KP of zennis fame.
“Jwala and I are still best friends”.
Funny, that sort of phrase always makes me cringe.
I have friends who lost years of their life by constantly echoing that phrase – actually they had not moved on.
The swiftest sword of the executioner is not the cruellest, by any means.
“I have friends who lost years of their life by constantly echoing that phrase – actually they had not moved on.”
And few people by judging them think they have moved on. Maybe they have moved on from Rajneeshpuram to Queen´s kitchen.
Parmartha, it was your guru who prescribed such way of life, remain friendly with your ex. ey, ez.
Maybe such kind of relation did not occur in your life where wish to be friendly remains. After all, sharing a common history is a bond.
You miss the point, Shantam.
Moving on is very important, and getting stuck with an old attachment, which stops that, would not be an Osho prescription! Maybe this interests you as it echoes your own life?
Let’s examine KP’s opening statement:
‘I am an old friend of death. My birth mother left her body when I was one year old, and left me with my 15-year-old sister-mother, who then left her body, and left me with Osho, who also left His body. Death does not surprise me. Death has a look. Osho had that look. What surprises me is living. I can handle death, but I am still mangled by life.”
Sounds all very well, but is it? My mother died when I was two months old. Personality a long way off, I was completely unaware of my mother’s death and it certainly did not lead to describing death as “an old friend”. I was 14 when my dad died and that certainly did not make me friends with death either. I was in a state of shock and went right off the rails because the mysterious process of death had made my father disappear from the face of the earth.
My point is that believing that death is your friend is an idealized notion that only serves to perhaps soften death’s sometimes harsh impact on one’s life. KP thinks he can handle death, yet even Tibetan masters trained to guide the dead through the bardos say they still fear the void.
I believe it is highly possible KP is kidding himself.
As for me:
The only way to overcome death is simply to forget it exists!
That robs it of all its sting.
Parmartha, this is the way archetype Gemini deals with death.
Many times we think our thinking is something unique. In reality, not just our dialect depends upon the society we are born into, it is very much influenced by the stars too.
Surely, there are people who feel offended with such thoughts. These are the people who think because they have heating in their homes therefore winter does not exist.
Contrary, Shantam, to what you may think I had periods of melancholy when I was younger, and when I was preoccupied by death.
However, as it cannot be avoided, I do now think it is best to get totally involved with life, and forget it exists.
Lokesh is on song again. I can’t add anything to his most intelligent of posts.
Simond, flattery will get you nowhere, which is maybe the whole idea. Joking apart, KP’s article gave me much food for contemplation.
Lokesh,
I assure you I ain’t into flattery and I don’t want anything, but you have a depth and understanding and you explore and explain intelligently. Where praise is felt, I give it and I suspect you will make nothing of it, which makes me even more likely to give it.
Cool.
This is the general pattern of most of the westerns with Indian names now in their late 60´s and more:
“I am with Osho for 30 years. I am with Osho from the days of Woodlands, Mumbai. It is only at his feet, I got the opportunity to grow in love.
( Because enough chicks – sorry, Ma’s – from around the world were coming to share their body, heart and soul).”
I feel sorry for the people who listen or read such stories with interest. These people look like 30-plus unmarried who like to see the marriage photos of their parents.
My personal feeling is why to speak about golden past if your present is so bankrupt that it cannot offer similar opportunities to others?
If there are young people around, I will suggest they throw all the books of Osho and find someone like Osho who is compassionate and courageous enough to offer what some KP or Loki got during their extended stay.
Surely such men are not called Mooji or Eckhart Tolle!
The meaning of this post I find elusive, Shantam.
But if it is germane, I find many young people inspiring, as much as old, and there is no pedigree in Sannyas such that those who happened to be in Woodlands, or anywhere else, are somehow more advanced.
Shantypants says, “Because enough chicks – sorry, Ma’s – from around the world were coming to share their body, heart and soul.”
Such a statement echoes a very cynical attitude. The truth, for most involved, was not remotely like that.
El Chud Meister concludes, “If there are young people around, I will suggest they throw all the books of Osho and find someone like Osho who is compassionate and courageous enough to offer what some KP or Loki got during their extended stay.”
Yes, I agree, and have lived it and reaped the benefits. What comes to my mind is although he says this Chudo often contradicts this in various other comments, by putting people down who got somehow involved with one teacher or another post-Osho. Absurd, seeing as how Osho declared that he would help bring his people in contact with other teachers if he could not finish the job, which is the case with almost everyone involved.
I can relate this to KP’s story. He is stuck with his Osho trip. This has partly to do with investment and partly to do with the fact that he obviously has not been guided to another teacher by Osho, but instead lives in his comfort zone where he believes that, quote, “I am enlightened…most of the time.” He would not get away with such trite shite at the feet of an awakened being.
What is refreshing about meeting other masters is that it helps get rid of the idea of a form that is a hindrance on the path. Osho is the personification of enlightenment etc. This is bullshit. People like Osho are representitives of a power, force, energy etc. that is completely beyond name and form. By meeting various teachers you get the picture, because although their approach may be extremely different, what they are pointing to is exactly the same, because it is universal.
Well, Shantam’s “chicks from around the world” remark again points to his own prime motive for being around the Pune ashram – and, thus, of course, to his present chronic discontent with what he regards as the failure of the powers-that-be to reproduce such a potentially promiscuous playground.
He always refuses to explain why he can’t be bothered with the other current Indian Sannyas communes, although it’s blatantly obvious why: they’re full of Indians! So achieving his sexual goals would be far too challengingly boring for him!
That, plus his wish for Sannyas to become more like some sort of religion, is what drives Shantam – the rest, as actor Albert Finney might say, is pure propaganda.
Well, you know what Ram Dass said, ‘If you think you’re free, there’s no escape possible.’
Satyadeva, you are really too naïve in your psychological understanding. You cannot even deduce where one writes as a provocative writer and where one gives personal statements.
Do you have Saturn retrograde in your chart?
Check it out. 90% I am sure, it is like this.
If so, I can recommend some book to enhance your limitations.
Once again, you fail to address the issues, Shantam.
So, once again:
Why, if you so much miss ‘communal Sannyas’ are you apparently totally uninterested in spending time at one of the apparently flourishing Indian Sannyas communes?
I don’t expect any sort of honest answer, partly because you are so often dishonest with yourself, partly because you no doubt want to ‘save’ your public ‘face’ (btw, here’s news for you: you lost that here years ago).
As for your query:
No, I don’t have ‘Saturn retrograde’, thanks. Better luck with dredging up any old astrological bullshine next time, old bean.
Will Saturn retrograde make an old car’s engine run more smoothly?
With Saturn retrograde, people check 10 times more carefully whether they have the right gas in their car.
These people are great psychologists about the depth of Love and they learn mostly through other people´s stories.
If people like Satyadeva have enough Emotional Intelligence they will think thousand times to tell me, “If you so much miss ‘communal Sannyas’ why are you apparently totally uninterested in spending time at one of the apparently flourishing Indian Sannyas communes?”
The low EI people won´t have any idea what is the difference between commune created by the master and what is the commune created by others.
Few things get historical and have deep intrinsic meaning; it is like Bethlehem for Christians. Maybe I can take the opportunity to remind such people, during Christmas many churches around the world keep the candle lit with the flame of Bethlehem candle. Any child knows, it is the same light, yet…
One needs some sense of history, some sense of roots to understand this gesture, year after year, centuries after centuries.
After spending years in Pune and then going to someone else’s commune, no sir, I have a big ego and very healthy self-worth.
And in this single post, Shantam outlines a key element of his whole erroneous attitude:
He wants to cling to the past, both his own and that of the Sannyas collective, to ‘the good old days’, angrily opposed to any deviation from what went before.
Such values (not to mention the erroneous belief underpinning them, that it’s possible to recreate any past, however worthwhile) demonstrate how absolutely stuck he is in a fundamentally highly conservative mind-set, rather typical, I believe, of his ethnic background. Regarding himself as some sort of ‘warrior’, in reality Shantam is just a misguided, ignorant fool.
Thus wilfully going against the ever-changing flow of life generates both personal and collective tension, the former emanating from almost all of his posts, the latter through highly ‘politicised’ efforts to push such an agenda into the faces of anyone he happens to be around, notably here at SN, of course.
And if those Indian communes were filled with potentially ‘available’ women from all over the world…You can bet your bottom dollar Shantam would be over there like a shot (and to hell with any bogus significance of historical place)!
Someone like Shantam is clinging with the past, or the Dalai Lama? Surely Dalai Lama´s past is so present, people will be glad to lick the dust off his feet @here and now.
Satyadeva, next time you visit Meera, look at her life carefully. Her past can be antique compared with my past.
I mean, people have no sense of individual thinking. Calling Osho´s ashram past is such a collective mind of white males with Indian names.
In my opinion, those people have really moved from the past who garbaged Osho books or sold them in the weekly market and reverted back to their original name.
They have shown some decision-making courage by spring cleaning and realised cults are after all cults.
I really don´t appreciate people who have never made any worthwhile investment in any project yet are curious to peek into the annual company reports.
Here, Shantam employs a trick familiar to all tricky politicians: devalue and consequently avoid the question/issue by denigrating the questioner.
His silence is a clear indication of what’s already obvious:
He wants everything exactly as it was – especially all those foreign women.
Try as you may, ‘Emperor’ Shantam, it’s obvious you’re wearing no clothes!
El Chudo minus his chuddies. Messy business. A bit like Fukushima. Meltdown!